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By the time we’ve observed our fortieth birthdays, most women assume that
we know it all when it comes to sex and how our bodies will respond. Been there,
done that, old hat. Yet the fact is that as we move into our forties and fifties,
our bodies go through a transformation quite nearly as dramatic as that which
occurs at the beginning of adolescence. And, just as in our teen years, we continue
to cast a disparaging eye on our changing bodies. Who among us hasn’t critically
appraised our back fat, an expanding waistline or a sagging butt?
Western societies have always had a narrow physical definition of the ideal
sexy women: she’s young, buxom and either raven-haired or sleekly blond.
As we get older, the changes that occur to and within our bodies are seen as
detriments to sex appeal. How are we to cope? What is happening to our bodies
physiologically is unmistakable and has a huge impact on how sexually attractive
we feel. A study that a colleague and I conducted asked, “Which factors
have had a negative impact on your sexual desire?” More than fifty percent
of women responded, “My body image!”
Where can women of a certain age find out more about why and how our bodies
are responding differently to sexuality? There are few venues. We wouldn’t
want to be transported back to our elementary school gym for a sex education
lecture. Friends may be willing to email us the latest Viagra joke or to accompany
us to see Menopause, the Musical, but chats about what normal aging does to
our anatomy or how we can maintain our sex-esteem are rare.
Without information we are left to listen to our own, often self-deprecating,
voice about our body. We need to redefine and recalibrate those influential
whispers. How does a normally aging, relatively healthy female body change sexually?
What affects our sexual responsiveness and sensations? Here are a few highlights:
1. Approaching menopause, our ovaries become less responsive to stimulation
by certain hormones and to hormones produced by the pituitary gland. This reduction
in hormones leads to a shut down of our reproductive capacity. Our bodies are
no longer in a state of preparation for pregnancy, and those areas that are
most involved in reproduction begin to function differently.
2. In general the blood supply to the pubic area decreases, as does muscle
tone in this region. The Venus mound, or mons, loses plumpness and definition.
Our pubic hair thins and turns grey, startling the woman who has just had a
full frontal view of herself in the mirror. In addition, up to a third of all
pre, peri, and postmenopausal women experience a thinning of any hair on their
body.
3. The vagina goes through a real transformation. Changes in the vagina include
decreased length, width and ability to expand during arousal and climax. The
vaginal walls become thinner and dryer and may become irritated.
4. Sexual arousal generally takes longer. Vaginal wetness usually takes one
to three minutes in women over forty, compared to ten to thirty seconds for
younger women. In older women the vagina may not lubricate. (Don’t suffer!
I encourage you to try out several different kinds of water-soluable lubricants
that are on the market.) The external genital tissue decreases, and the clitoris
shrinks in size, though it remains sensitive and capable of delivering sexual
pleasure well into the ninth decade of life.
5. Penetrative sexual intercourse may become uncomfortable for some women,
either because of decreased lubrication or decreased ability of the vagina to
expand during arousal. The external genitals can become irritated by friction.
The experience of intercourse and climax can feel quite different from how it
felt in your younger days.
6. The breasts respond to sexual arousal differently. Often the colored, circular
area around the nipple swells less during arousal than in younger women. And
by the time a woman reaches sixty, her breasts seldom swell.
7. Experiences of sexual desire are individual and unpredictable. Desire waxes
and wanes over time. Many women notice they are less interested in sex, yet
discover a sexual self-assurance that is more rewarding than what they exprerienced
in their youth. Others are amazed to find that their sexual desire increases.
The reality is that there is a broad range of normal, and many factors, not
just physiological ones, influence it.
Understanding that your body is undergoing major changes is an important step
in recalibrating your sense of your self as a sexual being. You may never delight
in your flabby upper arms, but you can certainly learn to amend your long-held
attitude towards your torso. Not long ago Jeannette, a 45-year-old woman from
Chicago told me, “I think it is common for a lot of women to say that if
they don’t feel their body looks sexy, they don’t feel sexy. I used
to feel the same way. But I’ve come to realize that despite a drop in my
sexual desire and a big butt, I can still be beautiful, whether or not I am
having sex. It is not how my body looks or how often I have sex that makes me
beautiful.”
Keep in mind that it’s not only your body that is undergoing profound
alterations. Mentally, emotionally and even spiritually your view of yourself
as a sexual being is changing. There is no “right way” to redefine
your sexual self — it’s an individual journey. Valuing your uniqueness
and moving away from judging yourself against some artificial, societal-induced
standard of the body beautiful will take you a long way down this road. When
it comes to sexuality and aging, women are forging new possibilities. It’s
way past time to throw back the covers and expose the world to our power, our
vitality, and our lush, seasoned bodies.