|
Has your sweet, cuddly little daughter morphed into a teenager who does not
want to be touched and is embarrassed by everything you do? If so, you are not
alone. Adolescence is clearly a time of turmoil for many young women and their
mothers. Little girls love to explore and play; they climb trees and play soccer.
They think they are good at everything. Until junior high, their math and science
ability equals or surpasses that of boys.
By the early teens, however, societal pressures come into play and their confidence
levels drop. There is pressure to please others; to fit in; and to look, dress
and behave in certain “feminine” ways. Consequently, girls become
self-conscious and judge themselves and others harshly. Appearance is everything
and parents are an embarrassment. As a group, not only do their math and science
scores drop, but their IQ scores temporarily drop as well, along with their
self-confidence.
Think about this. It is acceptable for teenage boys to climb trees if they
want to, but it is unacceptable for teenage girls to do so. They could all climb
trees when they were eight. What happened? In our culture, girls are not allowed
to be their true or authentic selves. In other words, it is not acceptable for
who they are on the inside to be expressed on the outside. Of course, some girls
do manage to maintain a strong sense of self through their teenage years. They
know and accept who they are. As a result, their self-esteem is high. Building
self-esteem in girls means helping them become their authentic selves.
During adolescence, girls are trying to become independent from their parents.
Even though they want to distance themselves, they need to remain connected
to their parents who are essentially their safety net. No matter how difficult
it might be, parents must keep lines of communication open. And while it’s
easy to get into an argument with a combative teen, as the mother, you need
to be the adult. It takes two people to have an argument, and you can opt to
disengage from it.
Returning insults is not the answer. Even though your teenager might appear
not to respect you at times, the messages you give her, verbally or nonverbally,
are important. Negative comments from parents can bruise children for life.
Practically everyone can remember something negative an adult said to them as
a child and how much it hurt. There’s a world of difference between telling
them you don’t like their behavior and telling them you don’t like
them. And never withhold affection as punishment.
How can you talk to them? It’s important to empathize rather than sympathize.
Try to feel what it’s like to be in their world, which is much different
than it was when you were a teenager. Rather than jumping in with advice about
how to solve a problem, listen (really listen) and clarify. Certainly there
are times when advice is in order, but it’s better to provide it upon request
rather than forcing it on them. You might even ask, “Do you want to know
what I think?” and wait for them to say okay. Remember, you don’t
know the whole story. All you know is what they tell you. It’s better to
help them come up with their own answer. After all, you are teaching them to
be adults.
What can you as a mother do to help your teenager build self-esteem? First,
take a look at your own self-esteem level. On a scale of one to ten, where one
is absolute self-loathing and ten is thinking you are a goddess, what number
describes how you feel about yourself right now? Think about factors that contributed
to that number. Now try listing five things you like about your personality,
five things you like about your body (a really a tough one for most women) and
five accomplishments you are proud of (yes, you can include your children).
It may take some practice, but you can begin to think of yourself in a more
positive light. It is not recommended that you share this exercise with your
teenage daughter. In order to help others build self-esteem, you need to build
up your own. That means taking a look at how you think and talk about yourself
and others.
To help your daughter raise her self-esteem, help her bring out and develop
her special talents. Everyone is good at something. Focus on her accomplishments,
not her shortcomings. Help her explore what is important to her, her deepest
values, not what society dictates.
Encourage her to express herself by keeping a journal, and resist the temptation
to read it. To do so would be disrespectful and a boundary violation. Talk to
her about healthy boundaries, about having limits and about what she will and
will not do according to her own values, as well as what she will and will not
tolerate from another person. Understanding the boundaries between herself and
others enables a young woman to develop healthy friendships and make better
decisions about what is right for her with regard to her sexuality.
Teach her how to manage stress in healthy ways such as exercising, eating a
healthy diet, spending time with people who make her feel good or spending quiet
time alone to reflect, meditate or pray. Help her think outside of her own world
and develop an understanding of and appreciation for other cultures. Help her
take advantage of the many volunteer opportunities available. In fact, you can
volunteer with her. Serving lunch at a soup kitchen is a mother-daughter activity
you would never forget.
Above all, let her know that who she is is okay and that you will love her whoever she is. The good news is that by the later teens girls have often worked through some of these issues of adolescence and become young women that are really likable! To learn more about developing self-esteem in girls, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher is highly recommended reading. Summer is a great time for young women to become involved in self-esteem building activities.