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Work, family, home and a personal life are the responsibilities a business woman
often struggles with on a daily basis. What is it like for the average business
woman to care for her aging parent? For the largest generation in American history,
the Baby Boomers, a question like this is common and eminent. Added to their
obligations at a full-time job, the caring for a parent is at least another
part-time job. The main challenge is to meet the parent’s needs and continue
dealing with the numerous responsibilities already on the table. Problems are
encountered with siblings who want to micromanage care giving; with parents
accepting care; with parents dealing with their declining health, money issues
and unequal inheritances among children.
On an emergency basis, you have to drop everything, says Erin Shirley, owner
of Priority Management Jacksonville, Inc., “You never know how long it
will take.” Shirley and her husband care for both of his parents at the
ages of 86 and 88. Managing our parents’ affairs and her own personal and
business life has been a challenge for Shirley.
“I’m a forty-three-year-old woman, with a life and a career, and
taking care of my eighty-eight-year-old father,” says Jodi Dixon, ATS Health
Services. Dixon did not have the resources available to help her make good and
solid judgments to care for her father. ATS provides the resources today that
Dixon did not have initially. The lack of information and lack of funds makes
care giving much harder.
Salaried, management-level people and business owners often work fifty plus
hours per week today. “Two of the biggest challenges for business women
providing any type of care or assistance for aging parents are a lack of flexibility
and a lack of availability,” says Charles Puchta, Founder and Principal
of Aging America Resources. According to the article ‘Profile of Care Giving
in the New Millennium,’ in the Pfizer Journal (2005), the average amount
of time a family caregiver spends per week providing care is about twenty hours.
An estimated fifty percent of all caregivers reportedly provide eight hours
or less of care a week, and approximately twenty percent of caregivers provide
forty plus hours of care a week.
With tough questions come tough answers, as Ginger Ingold, St. Vincent’s
Health explains. The business woman may ask, “How do I get my work done
and be a good daughter at the same time? What will I have to give up to make
time for the additional responsibilities?” Puchta says people are often
shocked when they come to realize the different roles and responsibilities associated
with care giving. The caregiver often finds her entire days devoted to caring
for her parent.
“Women are faced with the challenge of balancing the demands of work and
care giving responsibilities, as well as responsibilities with their own children
and families,” says Sheila McCallum, Chief Operating Officer for the Wekiva
Springs Center for Women. “The challenge is so great that decisions have
to be made as to which role suffers in order to meet the most critical needs,”
says Ingold.
Care giving encompasses more than just providing a place to live. If the loved
one cannot live by themselves, they probably cannot care for themselves. Normal
day to day independent activities turn into what the aging parent feels like
is an inconvenience of dependent activities. Responsibilities can include assisting
with moving around the house, helping with feeding or toileting, providing transportation,
dispersing medication, looking over personal finances and numerous other obligations.
A work schedule modification could be necessary depending on the intensity of
assistance needed. The demands are stressful considering the choices and sacrifices
that need to be made.
“Often a sibling who lives out-of-town or has not been as involved in
his or her aging parents’ lives may see care giving as an opportunity to
reconnect,” says Puchta. One sibling usually assumes primary responsibility
for the aging parent, as often family members take different paths through life,
which may even involve relocation. The problem comes when other siblings try
to take over, micro managing the care situationally and then turn care back
over to the primary care giving sibling when the issue they are concerned with
is done. Conflicts may arise over issues of finances, placement, medical conditions
and who’s turn it is to care for the parent, which can lead to additional
stress for the caregiver. The situation may turn into more aggression than harmony
between the siblings. As the sibling who has been consistent in the relationship
with their parent often is the one to care for her parent, the other sibling(s)
who have been distant until now may have a feeling of guilt from not being involved.
Micro management of decisions concerning the loved one can be a way they deal
with regret and guilt.
“Whether due to family dynamics or personality styles, individuals often
come across as being more interested in expressing their opinions and winning
others over, rather than reaching consensus and finding a workable solution
to a problem,” says Puchta. Advice is given by Puchta to help families
communicate effectively and reach agreement with five steps:
1. Acutely define the issue
2. Agree upon the issue
3. Address the needs
4, Assess the options and
5. Agree on a solution.
The best decisions are made with a quality relationship. Continually disagreeing
further exasperates the family problem and the stress involved.
There are challenges getting a parent to accept care. The loved one may be
afraid of becoming a burden. As parents grow older, they could unintentionally
become dependent on their children with their declining health. The loss of
independence is a common issue when attempting to get a parent to accept care.
“Our parents still hate to admit weaknesses and the inability to do things
for themselves,” says Bernice Murphy, Interim Director of Case Management
at Memorial Hospital. Aging parents do not want to feel as though they cannot
handle or care for themselves or their own lives, since they have probably always
been self-sufficient.
“Parents have a hard time accepting care, not because they do not want
to, but because they want to maintain some level of independence,” says
Dixon. “The heart still wants to be independent, but the body is incapable.”
Dixon, like many other caregivers, is trying to do what is best for the loved
one. In the time of need, an aging parent needs companionship to help with what
they are going through. “Many seniors believe that accepting help means
admitting that they are incapable of caring for themselves, and therefore risk
losing their independence.” says McCallum.
“It became very difficult when the entire decision process came up to
my husband and me because my in-laws didn’t want to look at facilities,”
says Shirley. Many people from the generation ahead of us are very private about
their personal affairs. “They were brought up not to talk about difficulties
and to take care of their own problems,” says Shirley. “I think it’s
a big issue of denial, not wanting to admit help is needed.”
We face health problems as age increases. Denial sets in when dealing with
declining health as it is not an easy fact to accept. Poor health directly affects
our parents’ ability to care for themselves. Poor eye sight, Alzheimer’s,
arthritis, heart and kidney problems and strokes are a few health problems an
aging parent may encounter. “There’s no question, you have to do what
has to be done,” says Dixon. “As caregivers, we must use good judgment
and the right resources.”
It is not uncommon for someone to attempt to mask or minimize their deteriorating
health in an attempt to maintain their independence,” says McCallum. “Refusal
to acknowledge their health problems can lead to serious physical consequences
and places the individual at risk for injury.” A change in health could
be a change in lifestyle. Puchta says that change is hard for most people, and
fear of the unknown can cause people to give up or act in a way that is uncharacteristic.
“Role reversal is the ultimate challenge,” says Shirley. “You
pay attention to the details and find yourself stepping in to make the decisions.”
When Shirley asked how a doctor’s appointment went, her in-laws’ reply
was “fine” when it apparently was not. Because of this, Shirley and
her husband had to start going to every doctor’s appointment with their
parents to make sure they understood every detail. “It got to the point
where we had to contact the doctor in advance to explain the medical problems
they were encountering so the doctor knew what questions to ask,” says
Shirley. She eventually found herself answering the doctor’s questions
directed towards the parents.
The hardest part of care giving is finding time for yourself, the most important
job of all. Without time for yourself, the stress becomes overwhelming. Caring
for an aging parent takes a modified and balanced schedule. Adapting to a changed
schedule is a hectic duty, especially for the average business woman, but it
can be done.